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Flying Truisms • From an old carrier sailor.... blue water Navy truism;There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.
• Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots:
Flaring is like squatting to pee.
• When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
• Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
• Never trade luck for skill.
• The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?",
and "Oh S#!+!"
• From an Old Air Force Pilot:
Experience is; crazy things that happen to us, dumb things we do, and mistakes we make while flying an airplane, that we live to talk about it.
Never strap into an airplane, always strap the airplane on your back. Then make the airplane do what you want it to do.
In Life and in Flying, it is sometimes easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire or about to crash.
It is imperative that you keep the number of Take Offs equal to the number of Landings
• From an Old Flight School Owner:
On an airplane, the purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilots cool, if you don't believe this, just stop the propeller and watch them sweat.
• Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
• Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
• Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
• A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
• I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
• Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
• Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
• Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
• When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
• Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
• You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
• From Mark Twain
It is always better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt!
• Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II.
When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
• Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its max.
• Jon McBride, Astronaut
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
• Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
• Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ...I Shall Fear No Evil ... For I am at 80,000 Feet Climbing.
• Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
• Paul F. Crickmore - Test Pilot
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
• Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement…And the night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three...at the same time.
• A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." .
• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
• Basic Flying Rules….Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
• Lesson One…The Sky is blue and the ground is brown and green. Avoid the ground at all times unless landing.
• Lesson Two...Keep your teeth clenched on landing…Your fillings wont get loose.
Aviation Joke:
There was a seminar on a new Weapons Guidance system for the Military.
During the break an Air Force Pilot and a Navy pilot went to the restroom. After finishing their business, the Navy Pilot washed his hands while the Air Force Pilot combed his hair and adjusted his uniform.
The Navy Pilot Commented... that in the Navy personel washed their hands after urinating.
The Air Force Pilot Answered...In the Air Force they teach us not to pee on our hands.
Aviation Joke:
A C-130 was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a Barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought. The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this." The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back On and said "What did you think about that?" The 16 pilot asked, "what did you do?" The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and took a dump." Any questions ??
Aviation Joke:
Quantas Log After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
• Subject: Pilot To Ground Control Funnies
A student became lost, during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
• Pilot To Ground Control
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC 10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
• Pilot To Ground Control
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
• Pilot To Ground Control
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked.
" Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded Seven-Engine Approach."
• Pilot To Ground Control
In his book, "Sled Driver," SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.
90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later,a Twin Beech required the same.
120 knots" Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted,
"Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation thiswas, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
• Pilot To Ground Control
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared ...
Fly Safe
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